Spoilers: "Thunder Strangers" part 3.

Author's note: Companion piece to "Betrayed Heart".

Hole in My Heart
by Selma McCrory
copyright 2003

I can't believe I fell for him.

I'm out on this bench, near the place where Shane works on his skateboarding. But he's not there, and I don't mind. I don't want to deal with anybody right now.

But as a weight settles on the bench I know I'm not going to be so lucky. I'm afraid to look up, afraid to see... Blake. I don't know if I could deal with him, not with how I feel.

"Tori?" I turn at Shane's voice. What is he doing here? Oh, yeah. Probably up for some skateboarding. "You okay?"

"Not really." It isn't not a lie, but it comes out so flat that anybody should know to go running. Anybody but Shane. I can't face Shane.

"It's Blake. You miss him." That simple statement nearly has me in tears. Why should I be crying? Blake betrayed me. I thought he actually liked me, but he used me. Used me to get to Ops and Cam and Sensei.

"Yeah. I mean, I shouldn't, but...." I want to punch Blake right now. I want to hurt him for what he did. I just couldn't an hour ago, when he came to say goodbye.

A dark hand gently guides my head so I'm facing him. "Tori," he said, and I see my reflection in his dark eyes. "We've known each other for years."

"So?" I ask. Yeah, we've known each other for years. Is he about to declare his love for me, or something stupid like that?

"So," he answers, "no matter how much I see you as one of the guys, you're a girl. You can go for this 'girly' stuff sometimes."

"Sure, just go for the 'girly' stuff and play right into the Thunder Rangers' plans!" I tell him. First Marah and Kapri and the fake shoot, now Blake using me to get to Sensei. I can't win. I can't be a girl. "I can't believe I feel for Blake! He betrayed me... but I still feel for him."

"Maybe...." Shane sounds thoughtful. "Maybe you still see in him?"

"Maybe," I allowed. "I feel like I have this big... hole in my heart. And it's all my fault." It's all my fault. Blake saved me because he wanted to get injured, for me to be all compassionate and take him to Cam... so that he'd see the way to Ops. But there's some part of me that wants to believe that what he said and how he acted wasn't part of a coldly calculated plan of revenge.

"Tori." Shane's voice is quiet. "I'm not the best judge of women's feelings... or Blake's." I swear I can see some anger in his expression as he says the name. "But maybe there's something genuine in there. Something that he wasn't using to manipulate you. Maybe there's something in there that wasn't entirely given to revenge."

Right. And Dustin will become a world-class violinist. "Maybe he loves me? That's so cliche."

Shane grins. "Didn't say that. Just said that there was something in there you liked. Despite the betrayal." He's being brave for me. Trying to cheer me up.

It isn't working.

I look away and ignore Shane again. I'd like to get my hands on Blake... let him know how I feel... but I'll probably never see him again.

And once again, I feel the hole in my heart.

-end